Performances

So I tomorrow I'm taking some of my "piano students" and other "performers" to a "retirement home" where the retired people will sit and listen to some good performances, some sub-par performances and some performances that are below par (and on its way to piano hell) (and if you are one of my students, it's not you, YOU are the great one...I love you....). I don't know how prepared some of these students are so I guess I'm blessed that most of these sweet people will either be half deaf, or half-dead. And the scary thing is that I will be the emcee. How scary is that?
To have them understand me more, and to get rid of my jive/slang/gangster talk, I went online to look for phrases that were popular in the 1920's to 1940's and I'm going to incorporate them in my "routine" (like I'm Bob Hope). Anyways I'm going to try some of these to see if I get a reaction.....

Like when I introduce my sister in law I'll say:
Next up.....Marlo, my sister in law, she's the CAT'S MEOW and will be next singing her song "Breath of Heaven". She's a great DAME with great GAMS and is quite a HOOFER.

for my nephew:
Forrest Brown will play on his KEEN violin. He is SOITENLY SPIFFY looking today.

my dad:
Here's my dad...he's the BIG CHEESE in our family and doesn't even drink the HOOCH.

I will try to lay off the words APPLESAUCE and HORSEFEATHER as they are expletives from their youth and I don't want to offend anyone.
So please someone pray for me........I don't want to screw this up for them, this is probably the last performance some of these people will see in their LIVES, and I don't want to screw it up for them. Don't let their last moments on earth be of me screwing up a joke and one of my students messing up so badly that these sweet people are themselves praying to meet up with the good Lord.

please pray..............

maybe I won't say the jokes, I'll lay off the sarcasm, and I'll let the students introduce themselves...

Thank You

So.....I love the church, and I love how they help people (like me).

So....I was at the bishops storehouse collecting some items, and they had those cute missionaries bagging items for me plastic bags. One of them carried the bags out to my mini mini van and started unloading the bags into the back, all the while looking like he was having the greatest time of his life. The fun geriatric missionary that was helping me, picked up the honey and said "your honey, honey?" and for a brief moment I thought "Is he hitting on me? I think he is....well, well I guess Camille hasn't lost all her magic yet." So I sucked in my stomach and gave him an appreciative smile and a nod of the head......after everything was unloaded and I got ready to go, my eyes glanced up at the rear view mirror, realized that I hadn't brushed my hair with anything but my finger combs, I snapped out of dreamland and realized that instead of complimenting me what really happened is that he obviously stuttered.

Anyways.......coming home and unloading everything into the kitchen, I glanced at the plastic bags which all said

THANK YOU

THANK YOU

THANK YOU



and I thought (like I always do)
don't you think the bishop storehouse plastic bags should say

YOU'RE WELCOME

YOU'RE WELCOME

YOU'RE WELCOME



anyways any requests for graduation pictures from anybody and I'll tell about how I frequently punched Veronica in the boob during her formative years, which should explain her nickname "lopsy" (how do you like them apples "lopsy"?)

p.s. Veronica's nickname is not lopsy, but can be......................................

New password

So I'm getting a new password for my gmail account. So, Veronica, "IloveIan" is no longer going to be the password ...in fact I'm omitting all of my childrens names from future passwords. Does that make you feel :(.
Oh and if any "graduation" pictures of myself turn up on the computer....swift consequences will soon follow (like me going private and everyone's invited but you....). Anyone interested????????

Muhahahaha!

Some of you might know that Camille hates it when people write Muhahahaha on blog posts. Well, that's just too bad...because I, her sister, have hijacked her blog (her computer went the way of the dodo) and am posting blog posts because she made the mistake of telling me her password today.

Muhahahahahaha!

I'll be posting:

1. Pictures of parents making out fuzzy in the background while their children, in focus, look on.
2. Embarrassing stories about Camille when she was young.
3. Plenty of grammatical errors, because I know it bugs her.
4. Her high school graduation pictures (let's just say, she was not excited to get her picture taken, and if looks could kill, my dad {the man behind the camera} would have had a violent end to his life)
5. ...and cute pictures of her children...since she rarely posts any photos of them on her blog....and it is my job, as an aunt, to step in and make sure that they get their due recognition.

And the best part is? Camille can't read any of this, until she gets her computer fixed, and then won't this all be a lovely surprise?

Awww....her precious eldest daughter. We'll call her "Chelise" for privacy reasons. Red hair? What the!? We aren't sure where she got it from.....but we'll take it!

Cute as a button....but maybe we'll stick with those closed mouth shots, such an awkward age for all kids, with teeth coming and going...if anyone can pull it off, though, it's "Chelise".

.
And finally, my personal favorite...

Leave it to me to insult the whole Farr West Elementary parents and faculty

Remember when I posted the post about the Farr West Elementary School newsletter and how is was going to be dull. Well I guess when I meant dull, I really meant it's going to be highly offensive. And when I look back at it, I can see why people hate me. Without further ado I'll give you a taste of what I wrote. But let me first give you a background to this madness called "my life is an utter disaster"....every other month the principal is suppose to write a letter to the students and it's pasted on the front of the newsletter, for the December newsletter he wasn't able to write anything because, I didn't give him any time to write anything. So I was staring at a huge gap in the newsletter from the missing letter and a deadline staring straight at me. So I had to come up with something, and in all the brilliancy that my body possesses I started writing, and I wrote something about the reason I didn't have a message from the principal was because I procrastinated (which was no lie, holiday season is a very bad time to put things to the side), but instead of stopping right there...I went on...with stuff like: I have issues I need to deal with, but I let my therapist deal with those. I also think that I added stuff like "I like manipulating children" (something like that)..in fact I did mention manipulation. BUT I'm sure I omitted that I killed my wiener dogs, and if you want to see something really offensive, just check out my stomach (those things I'm sure I never mentioned). Though I did mention the song Tom Dooley. Anyone heard of that song? the one that ends with "poor boy, you're going to die." YET, I think the "coup de grace" was when I called all the parents who dropped off their children at the school bus loading zone "SLACKERS" for potentially killing my children by parking there instead of waiting in line with the other parents at the AUTHORIZED drop off zone. Now that I'm writing all this down in my blog, I see where there may have been a problem. That newsletter was OUT OF CONTROL.

I'm waiting for the lynching mob outside my home, AND I'll freely take the hits...REALLY WHO EVER THOUGHT I WAS QUALIFIED TO WRITE A NEWSLETTER? I tried to quit, but they won't hear that kind of talk. I need to write an apology in the next newsletter, and ooh boy have I learned my lesson. I guess that after a couple of years I'll look back and maybe chuckle, but that's highly unlikely because from now on, I will never laugh again.

(I actually will continue writing the newsletter without complaint! I love my school and community!)

No, Thank You Mr Newspaper Man

Early this morning, while shoveling, the newspaper man drove up, wished me a good morning and put the newspaper in the newspaper box, right by my mailbox. While driving away he yelled "thanks for putting in your newspaper box." Watching the red twinkle of his taillights disappear around the corner I received warm tingles running up and down my spine, and I thought "Yeah I made sure that was put in and hey I'm not that bad of a person." He could have said "nice butt", but he didn't. And at that moment, I thought some more and I thought that I would rather have large hindquarters and a newspaper box than a tight derriere without a newspaper box. If by my bolting this blue plastic box to the east side of my mailbox, has made your job any easier and you can spend a little more time in the comfort of your car, then I feel a little bit better about myself. So thank you Mr Newspaper Man, you've just made a friend (and maybe even a tip).

Offense

“We should be too big to take offense and too noble to give it.” -Abraham Lincoln.
I have been ignoble and small. To those I have offended I'm truly sorry.